* Everything food related makes me think about PWS. Grocery shopping, eating, cooking, watching people eat, smelling food, thinking about food, reading about food, seeing food on T.V., you get the point.
This sucks. I'm not really a fan of dwelling on depressing thoughts and honestly, thinking about the food issues that Lillian is facing in the future really freaking stresses me out. Every time I put her in the grocery cart to do my grocery shopping I wonder when it will be the last time. One day I'm going to have to decide it's time to stop taking her. When should that start? I have no freaking idea. Do I do it soon? Do I wait until she has food seeking issues? Is there even a *right* way to go about this? Am I over thinking it? ugh.
* I have way too many responsibilities. I'm with Lillian for all 5 of her therapies every week. Around 20 per month. That's not including the doctor appointments I take her to and the countless emails I send to various medical professionals just to keep things on track. I pick up her prescriptions, decide what supplements to start, when, and how much. Struggle to get her to eat enough by mouth every single day without feeling like I'm forcing her to eat when she doesn't want to (we still use her g-tube but we've got her to take almost all feedings by mouth each day this week).
She's making amazing progress and I see how much she wants to get stronger and do more. It gets me through each day... but at some point towards the end of the week I'm near a nervous breakdown. This past week I was so exhausted and tired of taking care of Lillian by myself (Phil had night meetings, softball games, and went to the gym several nights on top of working full time) I nearly went crazy. For real. I told Phil I was going to leave him and Lillian and let him figure out how to do everything by himself just so he would know how I felt. And I was SO serious. I'm not talking about *leaving* him. I'm not that crazy, but I was really thinking about getting in the car, driving until I felt like stopping, and not coming back for a week. Thankfully after a much needed day on the lake Sunday with my best friend and a few margaritas (which was suggested by my husband) I was feeling like myself again. But it still freaks me out to know I was *thisclose* to walking out. I just want him to realize how stressful it is to have everything resting on my shoulders. I would never leave him or Lillian, but I would sure leave him WITH her to figure things out because I'm so sick of being the one to always keep track of everything.
*Which leads me to - I nearly have an anxiety attack if Lillian is with anyone other than myself or Phil for more than a couple hours. The nursery at church was ok because I was there, but Friday we left Lillian with Phil's parents and allowed them to take her out to dinner. I've left her with his mom before, but that was in the comfort of their home. She's never been in the car with someone other than the two of us and the entire time we were gone I was terrified that they would get in a wreck, or they would let strangers say mean things to her (I hate comments like "my she's chubby"), or they would let her put dirty stuff in her mouth or God forbid feed her something other than the food we gave them. I'm stressing out again just thinking about it and this was 5 days ago.
* I'm starting to wonder if I really need therapy or medication. Just typing that makes me cringe. Not that there's anything wrong with those two things, but I really thought I could handle all of this. For the past 9 months I've been against medication because this is my LIFE. This isn't a bad break up or a traumatizing experience that I'll get over one day. This is my life. Every day. So the thought was I would just have to figure out how to deal with it. Based on this blog post you can see I'm not doing a great job of "dealing with it". I don't want to be medicated forever and I wonder how I'll ever learn to cope with life if I try to put a band aid on it by using medication.... but I'm at the end of my rope and rather than go crazy out of my mind I'm really starting to think medication is not such a bad idea. And therapy. I contacted a therapist yesterday and when she told me she wasn't accepting new clients.... let's just say I convinced her she needed to. So we start next Thursday. I'm not sure how this is supposed to help, because it's not like she can come over and clean my house and cook dinner (which would be the help I need), but I'm hoping she can at least offer some advice on ways to cope and maybe avoid medication, or prescribe the right kind of medication so I don't lose who I am while I'm taking it.
So um, there it is. My post-freak-out-blog-post. Did I mention that over the next 3 weeks we're traveling with my in-laws on THREE different vacations? Be prepared to see a lot of crafting and gardening posts ;-).
And whoever offered the advice about my etsy shop and the photos with the "busy" backgrounds, thanks! I appreciate the advice. I'm hoping Lillian might let me use her beautiful head as a model sometime... but since she's become so mobile (squeeee) it's getting harder these days.
That girl really is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know I just wrote an entire blog post about how stressful life is, but she makes everything worth it. She has made my life better than it's ever been and I love to watch her discover the world around her every day.
This week she finally made sounds other than vowels. We got some N's, D's, M's and G's. All in one week!!!!
Today we were without electricity due to the nasty storms that have blown through here the last 2 days (it's back on now), so we went to get some coffee and walked across the street from the cafe to the library. She loved it. (sorry for the crappy cell phone pics)
And this is how mommy gets her therapy without involving office visits....
Hope you all have a great week!
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hey...i don't imagine how it is like living in your shoes, but i do know what it feels like to have meltdowns and feelings of " i can and SHOULD be able to hack this." and you know...I couldn't. i HATE the bottle of pills (i'm on lexapro) but it really has helped with my anxiety and allowed me to feel like myself. i can't wait until i can get off of it and was extremely reluctant in the beginning, but it has helped tremendously. you're not alone. and you won't be alone. thank you for being honest and vulnerable. you're a strong woman and you can handle this with a margarita in one hand and bows in the other! :) oh and with little lillian roaming around at your feet. hang in there and don't be ashamed to get some "happy pills". it doesn't have to be a long term thing. :) :) :) :)
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is endearing. It sounds like the weight of it all is finally taking a toll on you. You can only be strong by yourself for so long before you start to crack. I'm here for you as always
ReplyDeleteI love how open you are, how raw your post is. Do that often. It is therapy of sorts.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE hearing everything about Lillian and well you too. Sounds like she is having a great week. You on the other hand, I wish I could be there. Just to sit and talk.
Someday, much love. Always here for you!
Mandee
I can only imagine the kind of responsibility you have had to take on with Lillian but I do have to say that I am amazed by your strength. You are a wonderful mother and Lillian is so lucky to have you. I think its great that you find therapy in your blog, gardening and etsy and its okay to maybe need a more formal form of therapy. You might not even need something everyday but something p.r.n. for the days where the anxiety takes its toll would be good. I hope that you find what will work for you even if its a day on the lake with a couple of margaritas :-)
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI know you don't think you're handling this well, but you are. You are working through it and processing all of it every day. It's A LOT to handle and it is not easy. You do need therapy and you also need more help from your community - church, family, friends. Ask for it. You deserve it and so does Lillian.
ReplyDeleteI get where you are coming from with the anxiety about it all. Since Lucy was born, I've started a low dose of Zoloft - and it really has helped my anxiety. I never wanted to take it or to talk to a therapist - but both have been very helpful. Basically the therapist reminded me that we are stressed out for legitimate reasons - we have big issues that most don't understand or have to face. That helped me not feel so guilty or weird about it. I only saw her a few times but it was helpful just to know I wasn't crazy. I think that in my head its like I have to be supermom so its hard to accept help.
ReplyDeleteI second what Anon said, you get THROUGH it, even if it's just day by day. You make everything work and you ARE creating the best life for Lillian. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, I would totally encourage you to. You have alot on your plate and some type of release/outlet would be great for you. For you to be the best momma you can be, you have to take care of yourself too. You really are doing a great job, Sare.
ReplyDeleteI get it. You know I do. :/
ReplyDeleteMedication is most definitely not the end of the world. If you needed glasses to help your eyes, you would get them. If you needed to wear a brace to support your knee, you would. It's the same thing with anxiety/depression meds. And I'm a big, big fan of therapy. I started going (again :)) when Dean was 6 months old and it's been so helpful for processing this whole ordeal. Kudos to you for being honest with yourself. Would love to chat about this anytime if you want.
Oh, and I was going to write the exact post about the grocery store and wondering how long it will last, etc. I was just talking about this yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog,its beautifully written and I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteI hit a real hard spot a while back and I didnt do anything about it till it got to the point that I was feeling quite ill and the anxiety was awful.
I got some talk therapy and that opened my eyes to how much I had kept bottled up and that I wasnt quite as strong as I thought.
It was the best thing I ever did and I am at a place with Lucy 3 in october where I enjoy life with her so much without the constant nagging worry about everything from shopping trips to therapies.
I think what I am trying to say is ........it does get easier and having a little help gets you there quicker
Sally
I'm so sorry that you're struggling with so much right now... I can't imagine being in your shoes, but if I was, I hope I'd be able to handle it like you are. It's okay to be scared and to worry - hell, Addison is healthy and I'm in therapy and on meds because I am constantly having anxiety attacks about something awful happening to her! No, the therapist won't clean your house or fold you laundry (but it would be SO nice!) but it's amazing how much it helps to unload that burden to someone, talk through it, admit how hard it is, and come up with ways to cope. I hope you give it some time and try it out - it takes time and getting used to the person your seeing but it's so amazing to be able to say what you could never (or would never) say to your family or friends for fear of judgment (at least that's what's nice for me...) I'm sorry this is so long and we don't really know each other but I have followed your blog for awhile and just know that I'm thinking about you and pulling for you. Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteOMG she is so stinkin' cute at the library. Seriously, that little girl melts my heart and I know she melts yours. All the stress... well, I'd be shocked if you weren't freaking out all the time. Being a parent in and of itself is the most difficult thing on earth. You are doing a great job! I'm glad you'll get to talk through it all with someone. But until then, grab another margarita. ;)
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you're going through, but I seriously can't judge you for thinking of just "leaving" for a couple days. There have been times that I've wanted to leave Gianna for a day with Hubbs because of being stressed & I'm not even in the same situation as you!
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better & I'm still praying for you everyday.