Getting Real

Let's get real for a second, K?  If you don't hear from me for a week, or all I seem to post about is crafting and gardening, prepare for the "after the freak out" blog post.  I know I've mentioned before that blogging and crafting is my "therapy" but seriously, it's not cutting it.  Let me explain with some random thoughts I've had in the past few days/weeks.

* Everything food related makes me think about PWS.  Grocery shopping, eating, cooking, watching people eat, smelling food, thinking about food, reading about food, seeing food on T.V., you get the point.

This sucks.  I'm not really a fan of dwelling on depressing thoughts and honestly, thinking about the food issues that Lillian is facing in the future really freaking stresses me out.  Every time I put her in the grocery cart to do my grocery shopping I wonder when it will be the last time.  One day I'm going to have to decide it's time to stop taking her.  When should that start?  I have no freaking idea. Do I do it soon? Do I wait until she has food seeking issues?  Is there even a *right* way to go about this?  Am I over thinking it? ugh.

* I have way too many responsibilities.  I'm with Lillian for all 5 of her therapies every week.  Around 20 per month.  That's not including the doctor appointments I take her to and the countless emails I send to various medical professionals just to keep things on track.  I pick up her prescriptions, decide what supplements to start, when, and how much.  Struggle to get her to eat enough by mouth every single day without feeling like I'm forcing her to eat when she doesn't want to (we still use her g-tube but we've got her to take almost all feedings by mouth each day this week). 

She's making amazing progress and I see how much she wants to get stronger and do more.  It gets me through each day... but at some point towards the end of the week I'm near a nervous breakdown. This past week I was so exhausted and tired of taking care of Lillian by myself (Phil had night meetings, softball games, and went to the gym several nights on top of working full time) I nearly went crazy.  For real.  I told Phil I was going to leave him and Lillian and let him figure out how to do everything by himself just so he would know how I felt. And I was SO serious.  I'm not talking about *leaving* him.  I'm not that crazy, but I was really thinking about getting in the car, driving until I felt like stopping, and not coming back for a week.  Thankfully after a much needed day on the lake Sunday with my best friend and a few margaritas (which was suggested by my husband) I was feeling like myself again.  But it still freaks me out to know I was *thisclose* to walking out.  I just want him to realize how stressful it is to have everything resting on my shoulders.  I would never leave him or Lillian, but I would sure leave him WITH her to figure things out because I'm so sick of being the one to always keep track of everything.

*Which leads me to - I nearly have an anxiety attack if Lillian is with anyone other than myself or Phil for more than a couple hours.  The nursery at church was ok because I was there, but Friday we left Lillian with Phil's parents and allowed them to take her out to dinner.  I've left her with his mom before, but that was in the comfort of their home.  She's never been in the car with someone other than the two of us and the entire time we were gone I was terrified that they would get in a wreck, or they would let strangers say mean things to her (I hate comments like "my she's chubby"), or they would let her put dirty stuff in her mouth or God forbid feed her something other than the food we gave them.  I'm stressing out again just thinking about it and this was 5 days ago.

* I'm starting to wonder if I really need therapy or medication.  Just typing that makes me cringe.  Not that there's anything wrong with those two things, but I really thought I could handle all of this.  For the past 9 months I've been against medication because this is my LIFE.  This isn't a bad break up or a traumatizing experience that I'll get over one day.  This is my life. Every day.  So the thought was I would just have to figure out how to deal with it.  Based on this blog post you can see I'm not doing a great job of "dealing with it".  I don't want to be medicated forever and I wonder how I'll ever learn to cope with life if I try to put a band aid on it by using medication.... but I'm at the end of my rope and rather than go crazy out of my mind I'm really starting to think medication is not such a bad idea.  And therapy.  I contacted a therapist yesterday and when she told me she wasn't accepting new clients.... let's just say I convinced her she needed to.  So we start next Thursday.  I'm not sure how this is supposed to help, because it's not like she can come over and clean my house and cook dinner (which would be the help I need), but I'm hoping she can at least offer some advice on ways to cope and maybe avoid medication, or prescribe the right kind of medication so I don't lose who I am while I'm taking it.

So um, there it is.  My post-freak-out-blog-post. Did I mention that over the next 3 weeks we're traveling with my in-laws on THREE different vacations?  Be prepared to see a lot of crafting and gardening posts ;-).

And whoever offered the advice about my etsy shop and the photos with the "busy" backgrounds, thanks!  I appreciate the advice.  I'm hoping Lillian might let me use her beautiful head as a model sometime... but since she's become so mobile (squeeee) it's getting harder these days. 

That girl really is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I know I just wrote an entire blog post about how stressful life is, but she makes everything worth it.  She has made my life better than it's ever been and I love to watch her discover the world around her every day. 

This week she finally made sounds other than vowels.  We got some N's, D's, M's and G's.  All in one week!!!!

Today we were without electricity due to the nasty storms that have blown through here the last 2 days (it's back on now), so we went to get some coffee and walked across the street from the cafe to the library.  She loved it. (sorry for the crappy cell phone pics)

And this is how mommy gets her therapy without involving office visits....

Hope you all have a great week!

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