As much as I'm thrilled that Lillian is able to get the help she needs, it makes me so sad to know that she's being evaluated by a complete stranger tomorrow who will ultimately decide what kind of therapy she needs without even knowing a diagnosis.
I want her to start therapy. I want to help her. It just makes this all a reality that I haven't had to face for the almost three weeks that we've been home from the hospital. Those three weeks we haven't had to hear negative comments about her condition and we haven't had to talk about the troubles she'll face in the time ahead. We haven't had to do anything but love her and treat her like any other newborn baby. I really don't want that to change.
Even though we haven't been faced with doctors or therapists for the last three weeks, there's still a little voice inside me that questions her every movement. Are her movements normal? Is she holding her hands the right way? Should she be able to move her head more? Does she sleep too much? Am I expecting too much from her? Am I doing enough to stimulate her? Why doesn't she cry like other babies?
Part of me is still holding out that all of the doctors are wrong. They saw a baby that is calm and content and decided something was wrong with her and have been trying to diagnose her every move ever since, and along the way convinced us that something is wrong with our baby. I know that it's a crazy thought, but it's easier to be in denial about everything then have to deal with it.
I guess I should go back to taking things one day at a time. At least we know she will start getting the help she needs after this evaluation.
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